You're Grounded!

When did the words "good morning" become offensive? Every morning I happily greet my teen and I'm met with a series of whiny grunts.  I ask again hoping for a different result but the grunts get louder.  Where did my sweet little girl go? My little girl would cuddle up with me on the couch every morning and repeatedly tell me how much she loved me.  It is very uncool now, I guess.....but what do I know? Some time shortly after her 13th birthday, her view of her genius mother with vast knowledge about anything in question, suddenly warped. Sometimes I feel that she looks at me and sees Patrick Star walking around the house with beads of drool hanging from my lip.  At 13 she became an expert in all areas including life.  Was I this annoying?

Earlier this week, a simple suggestion was met with a door slam.  I was going to remove the door off the hinge but opted to spoil all her fun and take her back to the 60's.  I took her PSP, Playstation, X-Box, Wii, headphones and iPod.  Now she has to live the horror that I grew up with, now she has to be creative!  I'm loving it!  The problem is that historically, when I ground her, I tend to forget where I hid her things.  I wrote myself a note last time to remind me but I forgot where I put it.  So when the day comes to return her item(s), I'm a deer caught in the headlights.  I come up with anything that could buy me another day to ransack the house.  I panic: "No, I'm sorry but you raised your voice at me this morning and you will have one more day.  Learn to respect."  Oh God, help me!  Hell hath no fury like a teenage Scorpio with lost gadgets!  After running out of options, I tell her that if she can find it, she can have it.  I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath.....3, 2, 1.... "OMG!  YOU LOST MY iPOD AGAIN!!" !@#$%^&*.  Me: "Nooo, I just thought a scavenger hunt would be fun".  I always admit it at the end and eventually perfectly assume the roll of Patrick Star, standing in a puddle of drool...duhhhhh.  

I'm sure it is just a phase.  At some point she will come to see that I had to live a little to get to this age.  I will keep reflecting back on teenage Me, the pain in the butt I was and who I have become.  I yelled, whined, rebelled, slammed doors and loved the guys my parents hated.  Sweet revenge on my parents behalf.  I seemed to not listen but my mothers words always rang in my head at just the right time.  I made good decisions behind her back.  I hope that while my hormonal, omniscient child is appearing to ignore me, I am planting seeds in her curly little head.

Road Trip

Went out of town this weekend to visit family.  We fared amazingly well considering my case of PMS.  I'm thinking that my husband did the math and realized that it's best that he watch the road today.  My cartoon and I have been together for almost 10 years and for 10 years I have had to give him directions.  At times, we have ended up miles from our destination (20 to be exact) because I have looked away for a second.  I finally purchased a GPS.  We named the GPS wife replacement, Sally. Upon the first use we realized that Sally WAS in fact another tuned out wife, begging him to exit, begging him to u-turn and I sensed her annoyance when she had to continue "RECALCULATING". I thought I'd find the solution by replacing Sally with Mike, a male voice, a buddy...nothing.  I added an alarm before Mike would speak....nothing.  I finally ditched Mike and Sally and soon my 3 year old understood the concept of a u-turn.  At every turn he now screams "RECALCULATING"!  Anyway, this trip was different and it was the first time he made it without me, Sally or Mike.  I sat there quietly and confused.  It was just me, my iPod and my thoughts, without the stress induced heartburn.

I started a book club recently on Facebook. My 53 girls are having a blast reading and discussing this book, Fifty Shades of Grey.  Apparently it's pretty spicy and you'd think that would motivate me to read faster.  It's just like me to start the club and be the only one still on chapter 3.  Most are done and on the second book of the trilogy.  I read at night but quickly fall asleep.  So, I decided to be a better leader and catch up by reading in the car but got so carsick that I nearly hurled on silent Sally.  

We finally arrive to our beloved family.  Uncle Tim is a bright, successful and quirky fellow.  For some reason he always chooses one word or phrase and uses it repeatedly through our entire stay.  The word of choice is used randomly at approximately half hour regular intervals.  If our first topic of that visit is mangoes then the word is "MANNGOO"....all day....every day...till we leave.  We are able to archive our visits by name.  "Remember the "Helllloooooooo" visit?"  "Oh, yeah, I let you borrow that movie on the "Hambuglar" visit." And so it goes. The word of the weekend was "Teddybear."  

It was very nice and we enjoyed the perfect 67 degree weather.  The kids had a great time with their cousins and the moms had great wine to tune out the happy kids.  Don't judge.


Here is my baby being Uncle Tim's teddybear, hence the phrase of the weekend.

Don Snippet

More about Don....just a excerpt from todays events:

Me:  "Donny, I was told my tires need rotation.  Can you do it before our trip?"
Don: " Do I need a jack for that right?"
Me:   "Oh, don't bother, I will lift the car up for you."
Don: "So, what's involved? I lift it with the jack and spin the tire around?"

Oh dear God! (I did married him for his kind heart...)

Just Another Saturday

OH good morning, zit!  I stumble out of bed and always try to walk past the dresser mirror to avoid the pre-coffee fright.  Accidentally, I catch a glimpse of the horror that is me today.  Sometime around the second week of the month I have my “ugly time”.  This is when I begin to look like my father, not that he is ugly, he is actually quite adorable...but its not a look that works for me.  I always thought that being zit free was one of the (very few) benefits of turning 40.  So what the hell is this mess on my chin?  I guess I should be glad that I still have some signs of youth that linger.  As everything else is beginning to droop and lose its shape, I still have my tube of Clearasil and the scent of Stridex pads to remind me of days gone by.

Today, as I have for the past 3 weeks, I continue my adventures in potty training.  Insanity is a kind way of describing my emotions regarding this venture.  He’d sit on the potty and jabber endlessly for 30 minutes about his privates and what his reward should be.  “Mommy, my wiener says Hi!” It was important to him that I greet his wiener at every visit to the potty.  My child was training alright, only not in the way I'd like.  After 6 times a day x 30 minutes of endless toddler chatter and NO pee in the potty, he would stand up and proceed to the living room area rug and stand there to pee.  He was a very good puppy....perfectly wee-pad trained.  Just before my surrender, a miracle occurred.  All he really cares about is the sound things make. I explained that wee wee makes a sound and how cool it would be to hear it.  Eureka that was it!  Today I continue with phase 2, poo-poo. I will buy myself a pair of shoes for every 2 bags of pull ups I no longer need to buy.

As I write this, my husband has just walked in the door.  He works on Saturdays, so why is he here?  I have just learned that he has taken this as a vacation day and remembered this after he arrived at work.  I did explain that he is indeed a cartoon character.  Saturday is my quiet day, my daughter goes with her dad and I’m here with my toddler who takes LONG naps.  For a good 3-4 hours, I am free, I am quiet, I can think, sleep, watch a movie....things I dream of all week.  He has the day off, I’m faking my smile.  Is this wrong?

My Blog About Nothing

Welcome to day one of my writings about NOTHING.  After much persistence from Facebook friends, here I am, finally starting a blog. I mean seriously, what is there to say?  My life is pretty structured and mundane?  I am married to Don, a cartoon character come to life (more about him soon).  I have a very busy 3 year old boy named BJ and Chisty is my 13 year old girl, who has convinced herself that I was born at 41.

I love God, family, nature, dinner with friends, music and dancing.  OH do I miss dancing!  My mind is creative, I love to decorate and make things ..... ALL kinds of things. I'm in my happy zone when I'm repurposing something, how nerdy is that? They say necessity is the mother of invention but I come up with things mostly out of laziness.  My greatest inventions come from avoiding a trip to the store.  I also love cooking.....well, I love watching people cook more than actually cooking.  I find Food Network way too entertaining.  

Tonight I am getting ready to give my daughter and her 13 year old friends a little party.  I waited until they all got their periods and tonight we celebrate with "The Period Party".  Gross?  OK maybe, but they have all been friends since pre-school so it's kinda sweet...right? All things red!  Red velvet cupcakes, spaghetti (sitting on a heating pad, of course), red jello etc...maxi pad napkins and tampon chandeliers. Goody bags with Midol and emergency pms chocolate! Can't wait to see their reaction.  Feeling like a cool mom.